F.M.G.

It's only been 4 days.
I've watched the videos over 20 times now.
80% of them tell me that I'll move on and forget all about him.
The other 20% says that I'll do just fine and we will live happily ever after.
I don't believe either of them.

To those who say that I will forget him,
How do you forget moon dipped kisses in the back of a stargazers truck bed?
How do you forget late night talks and a shoulder that is always there?
Getting lost in his eyes and being embraced by his
Strong, Safe, Constant arms.
Laughing for hours at silly people, silly faces, and the future that seemed so far yet so close.
How do you forget dreaming up a paradise with the person you love more than you love your self?
How dare you.

To those who say it will be easy,
How would you know what's in my heart?
Each day I cringe at how much easier it would be if I just left him in my past.
If I could just pretend that we never met, never kissed, or loved with the amount of passion we felt for each other.
It would be so much less painful to be a slut and kiss every boy I see until he comes home.
I could just find another boy and pretend to be happy.
But then I would just hate myself because I would have him in the back of my mind and feel disgusting.
I know how I feel. I know this will be hard.
How dare you.

Since he left they ask how I'm holding up.
I tell them that I'm doing great and that I'm not worried, because love always triumphs right?
I shower, brush my hair, put on an appealing outfit as to not be stopped on the street, and I smile through painted lips.
I lie.

My best friend is gone.
At least for two years he is.

What I want to tell the worried wonder-er's is that I am broken.
I want to sleep and cry and talk to him and scream at every one who asks me about my personal well being.

I knew it would be hard.
So many other people have done it...
So why does it feel almost impossible.

He told me to be strong.
He told me not to shut down.
I'm not doing this for them, I'm doing it for me.
And for him.

These next two years I have plans.

 - Music Festival in Colorado or California
 - College
 - Sorority
 - Service Trips
 - Make Amazing Friends
 - Get Tan (even in Logan, Utah)
 - Get Fit
 - Enjoy Kickboxing
 - Build my life
 - Find out who I am
 - Build a School in Mexico
 - Journalism
 - Become More Spiritual
 - Write All the Time
 - Make People Happy
 - Make Myself Happy
 - Be a Cheesy (But AMAZING) Missionary Girlfriend
and yes...
 - Date Other People
 
These next two years are going to be rocky, that I know for sure.
But, I'm not going to sit on my butt all day crying and eating ice cream or sit in a dorm room hating life.
I'm going to make something of myself.
Yes, I am going to miss my love with all of my heart, but that is not going to stop me from becoming someone amazing.

So that is what being a Functioning Missionary Girlfriend is like.

Army Wife

When he left to fight in the war they asked me if I was okay.
I don't know what answer they were looking for but I could tell she was tired of people bringing over plates of sympathy cookies attached to the most generic sticky notes strewn with the same words.

Keep your head up.
You're in our prayers.
You can do it!

She began to burn out from all of the sad looks, the pity hugs, and the boys mowing our lawn before she even woke up.
All of the over caution and compassion began to cripple her.
What was given out of love and kindness turned her into a robot.

Thank you.
We are doing great.
You are so kind for thinking of us.

I can't tell if she will be back to normal until he comes home.
She tells me to give them the same answers back as to stop them from asking.

She lies to me too and tells me she is fine.
She pretends that nothing has changed.
But it definitely has and we should be working together on this.
Instead of fighting every night.
I'm worried about leaving her this fall.

It's okay mom,
It's not supposed to be fine.

How to fly

Grown up things hold us down.
You can only fly if you are embracing your inner child whose soul purpose is to find joy.

Dear Diane

This past year I used your name in a less than gentle way.
I've bashed and ranted.
I've expressed my deepest thoughts and emotions behind the mask of your name.
I've neglected you all together.
I left you with a voice no more.

But I missed you.

I missed the little words you brought out of me.
I missed the feelings that came with the rush of my fingers typing what I knew needed to be said.
I missed knowing who I wanted to be.

So here's to concussions, cancer and army deployments.
To suicide, missions and college.

Thank you Diane for the safety of illusion.
I don't need it anymore but I've just grown so fond of you.

Here I am.
And I am M------------------.

I hope you're ready to go on this ride with me Miss Arbus because it's going to be a wild one.

I used to be good at making friends.

Sorry if I stare too long
I like to people watch.

I have 3,462 unread emails.
4 of those are from a missionary.

What is going on though? Like really I mean can't understand. Does anyone know exactly what they should do? Does anyone see a perfect view of whats going on in their life because I would really like some tips.

Both of my dogs will probably die this year...
That sucks.
I'll cry.

My dad says its bad for me to look at a bright screen in a dark room.
Does that mean I shouldn't look into your bright eyes or at the sky as we stargaze?

My teacher asked me what I would like my future following high school to look like.
He thought that the goals were too ambitious and offered me more homework to ground myself.

I was about to walk out the door today but then my mom told me that my sweater made me look frumpy.
I changed and was late to class.

My dad thinks that every time I say something to him, I'm trying to be a snotty teenager.
Teenagers don't know how to carry out conversations right?

I'm the relationship guru but everyone hates the thought of me being happy.
No boyfriends allowed for me but 10 a year for you.

I like to bicker and complain.
Why show that I'm grateful to people that don't care.
Ugh. That's bad... I love all of God's creations.

I have about 107 ugly/cute sweaters.
I'll probably just wear the same 5 over and over again.

This was a draft for 3 months.
I still don't know what's going on in my life.
Only that he is leaving soon.
And that I'm probably writing to no one now.

Oh Well.

Here's to unposted drafts and mind blur nights.