How to fly

Grown up things hold us down.
You can only fly if you are embracing your inner child whose soul purpose is to find joy.

Dear Diane

This past year I used your name in a less than gentle way.
I've bashed and ranted.
I've expressed my deepest thoughts and emotions behind the mask of your name.
I've neglected you all together.
I left you with a voice no more.

But I missed you.

I missed the little words you brought out of me.
I missed the feelings that came with the rush of my fingers typing what I knew needed to be said.
I missed knowing who I wanted to be.

So here's to concussions, cancer and army deployments.
To suicide, missions and college.

Thank you Diane for the safety of illusion.
I don't need it anymore but I've just grown so fond of you.

Here I am.
And I am M------------------.

I hope you're ready to go on this ride with me Miss Arbus because it's going to be a wild one.

I used to be good at making friends.

Sorry if I stare too long
I like to people watch.

I have 3,462 unread emails.
4 of those are from a missionary.

What is going on though? Like really I mean can't understand. Does anyone know exactly what they should do? Does anyone see a perfect view of whats going on in their life because I would really like some tips.

Both of my dogs will probably die this year...
That sucks.
I'll cry.

My dad says its bad for me to look at a bright screen in a dark room.
Does that mean I shouldn't look into your bright eyes or at the sky as we stargaze?

My teacher asked me what I would like my future following high school to look like.
He thought that the goals were too ambitious and offered me more homework to ground myself.

I was about to walk out the door today but then my mom told me that my sweater made me look frumpy.
I changed and was late to class.

My dad thinks that every time I say something to him, I'm trying to be a snotty teenager.
Teenagers don't know how to carry out conversations right?

I'm the relationship guru but everyone hates the thought of me being happy.
No boyfriends allowed for me but 10 a year for you.

I like to bicker and complain.
Why show that I'm grateful to people that don't care.
Ugh. That's bad... I love all of God's creations.

I have about 107 ugly/cute sweaters.
I'll probably just wear the same 5 over and over again.

This was a draft for 3 months.
I still don't know what's going on in my life.
Only that he is leaving soon.
And that I'm probably writing to no one now.

Oh Well.

Here's to unposted drafts and mind blur nights.

Vertigo

Vertigo by Jason Derulo and Jordin Sparks



Spinning around my room to music that makes sense.
Whirling my thoughts into one corner of my mind for clarity.
Flying out of body across the sky, through the clouds.
Soaring above every home, every mountain, the world.

There actually is one word to describe exactly how I feel.

Falling into an endless chasm. 
Confused out of my mind.
Dizzy flailing for a grasp.
Scared of what seems like everything.

It's like playing hide and seek with my mind. 
Every time I think that I understand it dashes around the corner again.

Addicted to this, to it, this feeling and feeling this way.
Hooked on the thrill and wonder and mystery that I can't escape.
Obsessed with the song playing over and over in my head.
Enraptured while dancing on top of my fears.

Where ever I turn I see you. 
                  I see life.
                  I see the future.
                  I see now.

Free to be me with you.
Delight to see the smile leap from my face to yours.
Careless of what they may think about us.
Released from the pain of my teenage brain blurred by the beauty.

The idea of worrying about life mixed with the insanity filled pleasure of today and tonight. 
Love, you give me the best feeling of all.

Thank you for this Vertigo.

Focus

How am I supposed to do this with my mom shouting over my shoulder to finish applying for college.
There is snow falling in bursts outside but I think it keeps getting distracted like me.
Mom shouting
Snow falling