Thump. Thump.

When did the world decide to start falling in love with the anatomically correct heart?

Its kinda gross but kinda beautiful.
You kind of realize that a break in the heart isn't such a cartoonist thing anymore.
It clears up the facade that love is perfect and pristine.
Love has bumps and grooves, and apparently an abundance of valves. 
It shows that your heart actually is something that fuels the body and keeps it going. 
Maybe you'll be more careful with mine now.





I think the world became obsessed with the anatomically correct heart when they realized the thing they manipulated so frequently could actually bleed.

Bricks and Stones

My little brother cried more when his pet snail got squished by my sister than when his aunt killed herself.

Brick.

No matter how much  tender love and care I gave to that plant, my raspberry bush only grew thorns this Summer.

Brick. 

My dad and I fought everyday, and just as we started to get closer those "weird cells" whisked him away for what seems to be endless appointments.

Brick.

I received 100 dum dums because he's a dum dum and a $20 gift card to See's because I'm still a sweety in his eyes.

Half a Brick. (I do like free candy)

And of course it's fine to be fine and pretend to be fine when you're kinda not fine. But when you're really not fine I expect a brick with a note on my doorstep so that I can rush to you. 
And hold you.

Bricks and stones may hurt sometimes.
Sometimes they make you stronger. 
Sometimes they just plain suck.

Bricks are real, physical weights that are sometimes misused as anchors. Others find them as ways to test human strength.

In reality they were invented to keep you from floating away with your dreams up into the cosmos with me. That's why I find them so ugly.

So baby lets cut some strings and let go of our bricks together.

kissing

Viewer digression advised

Here is a compilation of some of greatest kisses caught on film.

Enjoy

and just cuz shout out and also check

Noun or Verb

With Love

noun

1.a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for apparent, child, or friend.

3.sexual passion or desire.

4.a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

verb (used with object), loved, loving.

1.to have love or affection for:

All her pupils love her.

2.to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).

3.to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in:

to love music.

4.to need or require; benefit greatly from:

Plants love sunlight.

The age old mystery.

Our world is so much more intelligent now.

Why can't we figure this out?

How do you find a cure for the tear stained journals? How does it make someone stay awake until sunrise with a non-resting mind? How do you prevent the broken hearts and the hurtful words mixed with the underlying passion and hope of last night?

When will scientists know how to stop a worrying mind from wandering? You think that with all of the pain that comes with love people would stop falling right on into it over and over again. But that's just what humans do. They fall in love. The tricky thing about love that really gets us is the twist it provides.

Its like the worst kind of drug. The kind that gets you addicted after just one hit. Once you've felt that high you really just don't care how low the crash is, you will do everything it takes to feel that euphoria again. Too bad the dealer seems to hate us.

It's strange to think that something that causes so much heartache can also cause so much happiness and peace of mind. The juxtaposition is almost poetic. Because love is magical. It is the reason behind the twirling girls and the passionate encounters shared. The reason for the good kind of sleepless nights and the beautiful smiles. The reason why people search after fulfilling their own love song verses.

And when it is shared between two people?

WOW.

And when both of their intentions are pure?

Double WOW.

Love is the breathless moments. The time you tried to cry but he just wouldn't have it and cracked a stupid joke just to see you smile again. The time he grabbed you and encompassed you in the tightest embrace because he could tell you needed it. The time he called just because homework is boring and night time means reminiscing for High School seniors.

Love is the trying experiences. The hurt feelings. The guilt. The major jealousy that comes when his Ex's smile at him in the hallway a little too long. The guilt for being jealous. The worry that it might be not fully requited at times...

The need for reassurance attacks occasionally. When the texts slow down and you let your mind think of the worst. It almost seems a little too childish to be real. Who even knows what love is anyway? No one. At least no one knows 100% what it is. We only have small moments that seem to perfect to be described as anything else. The gentle brisk of his lips across your forehead whisk your heart away. The way he looks at you and smiles that gorgeous smile of his. The smile that sends fireworks up your spine and down through every vein of your body. You know you can feel something. Something powerful. It may not be narrowed down to just one definition but LOVE is LOVE and nothing can change that.

I love him lots and lots and lots and he much loves me. That right there is the happiest thing to me and makes my heart beat real fast. Real fast like the time he first asked me to dance at that stupid school event that I was so worried that I looked weird at. Real fast like when he took my hand in his and wrapped the other around the small of my back. Real fast when we ditched the small talk and he showed me how real a boy could actually be. Real fast like when he held my hand tight and made me feel safe when I wasn't sure I could face what was right in front of me. Real fast like the time he first told me that he loved me. Real fast like when I knew I felt the same way.

I'm not quite sure what I'm getting at but I know this; Love, whether amazing or painful demands to be felt. Sometimes we are at the low part and it feels like there is no way out. Sometimes someone reaches down their arm and pulls you out of that pit only to send you both rocketing to space and beyond using romance and just plain old cuddle sessions. Love is beautiful. Love is a roller coaster. Love is an open door. Love is kind. Love is patient. Love is forgiving. Love is a verb, a noun and everything in between. To me love has been the greatest thing of my life. Most of all love is real. And that is the most reassuring thing in the world. Because with love, (as cheesy as it sounds) the world has hope.

Saying Goodbye....

Time to Say Goodbye- Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman

I avoid goodbyes at all costs
They hurt too much
Hugs linger a little too long,
Not wanting to let go is rough.

Sometimes goodbyes can't be dodged.
I've had to say too many lately 
So I have learned a few things,

Don't cry.
It makes it harder for them to leave
That's not fair.
Smile through the pain.

Do what's best.
Don't let them see a tear.
Say goodbye, 


And if you are lucky,
And it's really love,
Goodbye won't be forever.

Are we Human

Human - Christina Perri

Human….

I have always reveled in being a human. The top of the food chain. Unstoppable.

I could dip my toes into the cold creeks and go on the high dive to experience thrills.

The world is mine. And yours. And ours.

Running                               Dreaming

Jumping     Kissing
Skipping       Singing

Dancing      Laughing

Sneaking

From the very bottom to  the tippy top we are as human as can be.

Sprinting around the world barefoot and stopping to smell the factories as you please. Or roses. Which ever you find more of. Factories are a little more human. Sorry.

As an honorary human I am entitled to making an enormous amount of mistakes. However, I hereby promise you that I will do my very best to not make the allotted amount. Actually, no. I don’t. (Another very human thing to do is break promises)

I just ate a really yummy burger. Humans also eat yummy food. That’s kind of cool. The humans in my “Mass Culture” (as my Sociology teacher would call it) eat food for enjoyment. None of us have ever really been starving. Except for once a month…. but that doesn't count. The weird thing is we eat all of this food out of pleasure and then complain about being fat. If you don’t want to be fat then just move to a different culture. Africa would be a pretty good choice. Also Paris, France because they walk everywhere and are all really skinny. I’m not sure about Paris, Idaho though...

Sorry. Also sorry for being sorry. And for not being sorry. I get in trouble for that a lot.

Where is my humanity? What does that even mean?  I don’t know if being human is a good or bad thing. Ahhhh I never had a doubt in my mind about the amazingness of being a mortal until recently. I mean how great would it be to be something like oh I don’t know a squirrel. Or a hawk. Yes, I would choose a bird of some type so that I could fly away. That would be nice.

It’s just kinda hard being a human sometimes, you know? Like when you go through the not fun stuff.

Breakups          Bad Breathe

Death                          Taxes

Fighting             Suicide

Wars    Swearing

Crying

There are lots of scary things that we have to live with. But I guess I do enjoy being a human because of other humans that help me get through them. The best friends and moms and dads and grandparents with lots of money and sweets. The boyfriends that hold your hand and gives you bear hugs when you need them the very most. The doctors and the counselors and the English teachers that don’t teach grammar. They all guide us along and help us get through each day.

Humans are alright I guess. Jk I think I have typed myself into loving them. Who else would make the music? The adventures? The culture? The books? Who else would experience love? Joy? Excitement? Who else would scream at the top of their lungs into their pillow after their first time  sneaking out and getting back in bed without a hitch? Sail through the air after their first kiss from someone they loved or the first kiss from them once they realized that it really was love? Cry for a full hour after their parents bought them a car?(that one sadly hasn't happened to me…) Or leaped into the air and danced with the people they cherish the most throwing their heads back in laughter after an inside joke was shared.

I want to see all of the humans. They are probably all pretty great people as 3 year olds. Hey that’s a good trick by the way. If you are ever mad at someone just picture them as the cute kid you babysit from next door (Not the bratty one). It helps lots. I want to see all of the sculptures. I want to see all of the paintings. I want to see all of the monuments. But not the graves. I want branch out and learn about everything new. And I want to go down back to my roots and learn about everything old. Learning is a good human thing.

Humans get through hard times and good times. We struggle and we thrive. Yay for culture. Yay for experiencing things differently than anyone else ever will. Yay for you.

Yay for humans.

Fairy Tales and Crap

Once upon a time..... that's how they tell you it will start when you enter the legal age for courtship. But it wasn't like that at all. Not for me at least.

Once you get to the hormone infested arena with mixed ideas of the same fleeting values being thrown at you in a confusing blur of lust, there are no "Once upon a time's" waiting to greet you. Only fake promises and a pretentious haze of intent.

They tell you that your first ball will be magical. You will be swept off of your feet by the first daring suitor to try and make you swoon. They don't tell you his intentions. They don't tell you that the prince may have a background of swaying damsels into forgetting who they are. The girls who gave everything away thinking that they will get their castle in return. They also don't tell you about the confused poisonous girls who will do anything it takes to have a throw blanket of security.

The wealthy princes love to convince you of their "loyalty". They fill your head with ideas of Happily Ever Afters and True loves kiss just to get what they were after from the very beginning. But then you find out that you were just another peasant to them in their quest to a loser life. 

All of these fake promises we are given when the sponginess of are brains are at its peak. We hope. We experience. We discover the truth. Then we with the meager hope that the first heartbreak was just a fluke, a rare occasion in "real life", we go and hope again. Just to get our hearts ripped out by the next Knight in shining armor.

This probably sounds like some rant from a little girl who put too much of her trust into Disney movies....

The truth is I, like many others, have put my trust in douche-bag players who just used me. The cute little happy valley that we have been raised in has jumbled the boys minds. In efforts to not become a "steady dater" they have resulted to kissing every girl they can. I am even guilty of being a few canteen fillers last drops before they go away...

But I found out that just like a fairy tale their can be someone who is good for you. 

I kinda got broke real bad. 

I didn't want to trust another boy in the world ever again. I had accepted that the safest way for my heart to recover would be to live with a couple of dogs and move to Paris. I was terrified of the manipulative male species and figured that they were all evil.

But then he came along. My king. Unlike the other princes and knights that all turned out to be duds he actually valued my heart. He liked my hips wide and my lips hot. He sent me cheesy songs about love and romance. Promising nothing but his desire to make me happy and to treat me like the queen he thought I was. 

He reminded me of who I was. He asked me what I wanted to do, eat, or listen to. He lifted me in the air and dipped me in the moonlight. He was good for me and I was good for him. We tiptoed to window wells and the back seats of cars. Stargazing in the back of a truck in a mound of cushions and blankets I began wondering if it was just a Summer fling, because nothing this amazing could last. Not for me at least.

Then I realized that this new boy who doesn't like me to buy him presents and tells me daily that I'm beautiful is the kind of guy I deserve. I deserve someone that makes me smile and never makes me second guess who I am or what my worth is. Every human being deserves to know that they are loved and that they deserve happiness.

I'm not saying that we will be forever, but wouldn't that be nice? He is the love of my life right now. And I'm genuinely happy right now so that's all that matters to me. Now don't you worry or fret because this girl has learned. Of real love and real pain. But isn't love a great feeling. 

I may not have found my final Happily Ever After just yet but I'm a lot closer to what it looks like. To me that's better than any fairy tale.

Growing Down.

I grew up loving to color.

I was encouraged to express myself by the same people who told me to act calm and be reverent.

But I don't want to become like the monotonous workers.

I still play hide and seek.

I look for new friends daily.

I want to be inspiring.

I don't want to inspire wrongly though.

I want to write. 

Even though I'm not that good.

I think I'm still a kid sometimes.

Then I remember I'm a senior now....

I don't like that.

But I do.

IDK.

I'm excited to decorate my own dorm room.

I'm excited to live and explore.

I want a job where I can write.

I want a job where I can help people.

They keep on trying to take my crayons.

I won't let them.

I'm taking them to college with me.

They take your crayons then sell them back to you.

The world notices what it needs.

It needs color.

And kids.

I like to ramble sometimes.

And sometimes I center things that shouldn't be.

I guess just don't take my crayons from me.

But I'm more than happy to share.

Photographer of Freaks

Intro  alt-J

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EAC9Ecf1Xgc

I'm not a photographer actually. I'm a just a human being.

Being a human is my favorite thing to be I think.

I like to write sometimes. People used to tell me that my poetry was inspiring.

Sometimes when I write I find out new things about myself. I can work through problems that are scarier in my head than on paper.

Sometimes I am afraid. Sometimes I hesitate writing because I know I won't like what I find pour out of my hand, through the ink, on to the page.

I like to watch people. People are interesting. You never know what they are going through.

I wish that I could help everyone in the world. Stop every thorn from reaching its victim. I'm the pageant queen who hopes to bring world peace. But I'm not a queen. I'm not a hero that saves lives and has action figures made in my image. I'm only one person...

Sometimes one person is enough. Sometimes one person can inspire the world. And they say that if you want to see a change in the world then you should be that change.

I don't know how my mind works. I'm not a Jackie O or a Devastated Daisy but I am a Diane Arbus. (Look her up if you please)

I'm a searcher of souls.

A friend.

An enemy.

 A human.

A photographer of freaks.

-Diane Arbus